Kermit the Frog as SantaI admire and follow the philosophy of Jim Henson, the creator of the Muppets, which is, “There can be inspiration and fun in everything around us.” That’s why at every holiday party I’m prepared with a few family friendly riddles.

 

Between Santa, snowmen, and sugar cookies there’s a lot of good clean comedic material to launch a laugh-fest. If Kermit the Frog can avoid hazardous humor then you can too.

 

Yes, this type of humor might cause eyes to roll due to silly puns but I’ll bet a few candy canes you’ll repeat some of these lines at your office or home in the next few days.

 

Below are my hearty holiday humor lines that can be used in any presentation.

 

Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?

Because he was feeling crummy.

 

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Frosted snowflakes.

 

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish.

 

What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas?

A rebel without a Claus.

 

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

 

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?

Nothing, it was on the house.

 

What kind of music do elves like best?

“Wrap” music!

 

Why are elves so depressed?

Because they have low elf esteem.

 

What do you call Santa’s helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

 

Why does Santa like to work in his garden?

Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

 

Remember the four stages of life:

1.  You believe in Santa Claus

2.  You don’t believe in Santa Claus

3.  You become Santa Claus

4.  You look like Santa Claus

 

Chicken IdolWith nearly 10,000 people following my monthly blog, I’m frequently asked to speak and present at various events. Many of the workshops, seminars and evening engagements include a “winner, winner chicken dinner,” which tickled my funny bone.

 

At a June luncheon I told an impromptu chicken joke which produced a hearty chuckle. The next mealtime talk I told two chicken jokes and the laughs lingered. Forget American Idol, I was quickly becoming a rising star on Chicken Idol.

 

I’m happy to share some of my best chicken material. I prefer clean corny (punny) humor, which matches my hammy delivery style. Use these one-liners and my favorite chicken joke at your own risk.

 

-  Scientists agree that a chicken crossing the road is called “poultry in motion.”

 

-  My nephew confirmed his chicken cross the playground to get to the other slide.

 

-  Beethoven disliked chickens because they keep chant, ''Bach, Bach, Bach.''

 

-  You get the best chicken jokes from a yolk book.

 

-  It is easy for baby chickens to talk because talk is cheep.

 

-  Chickens will never get rich because they work for chicken feed.

 

-  Mathematicians theorize chickens cross a Mobius strip to stay on the same side.

 

-  Parents don’t want chicken farms near schools, so pupils don't hear fowl language.

 

A chicken walks into a library and says to the librarian "book, book, book," so the librarian gives the chicken three books and it walks out.

 

Ten minutes later, the chicken walks in again and says "book, book, book," so once again, the librarian gives the chicken three books and it walks out.

 

Ten minutes later, the chicken comes back in and says "book, book, book," so the librarian gives the chicken three books and it walks out. But this time the librarian follows the chicken.

 

She follows the chicken across the street into the park and watches it hand the books one at a time to a frog. The frog put on his glasses and said, "readit, readit, readit."

 

Your Turn: What’s your favorite chicken joke?  

 

Tasteful Toasts Birth Mirth


Birthdays happen every year          

You can toast with pithy cheer

Take your time

Learn one line

It’s a precious souvenir


Far too often I hear tributes that sting like the spank on your tush the day you were born. Yes, I’m referring to old age jokes. For example:


- “The twinkle in your eye is the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.”

- “You’ve seen it all, done it all, and can’t remember most of it.”

- “Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.”

- “A benefit of being older is that you’re safe from being kidnapped.”

- “In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.”


While those lines might be funny (and possibly true), I have found saying something a bit more tasteful and witty can provide more memory mileage for a treasured moment.


Here are my top ten birthday one-liners to better celebrate your milestone:

10.  We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.
9.  Statistics show that the people who have the most birthdays live the longest.

8.  You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.

7.  Think of hot flashes as your inner child playing with matches.

6.  You’re not 40, you’re 18 with 22 years of experience.

5.  Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional.

4.  You’re like a fine wine; you get better with age.

3.  Age doesn’t matter, unless you are cheese.

2.  The older the fiddler, the sweeter the tune.

1.  It is better to wear out than to rust out.


I believe in celebrating your birthday…all week, month or even an entire year. It’s important to have twinkles in your wrinkles. As Mark Twain once wrote, “Wrinkles merely indicate where smiles have been.”


Related articles:
Hazardous Humor
Tasteful Wedding One Liners
One Liners for Lovers


Bonus Stephen Wright Joke:

Last week the candle factory burned down;

Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday. 


Your turn: What are your favorite and positive birthday jokes, quotes or one-liners?

Giggles that started a joyful marriage.

One of the joys of writing articles is when readers send me success stories, giggle generating jokes or videos like the Waffle Wedded Wife clip, which you can see on my Tasteful Toasts blog website. It’s a good reminder that you can still have fun when you flub a line.

The Gospel About Giggles

Laughter IS the best medicine. Need proof? The following is a list of the top ten fascinating fun facts from reputable institutions around the world regarding mirth’s medicinal qualities:

1. There are 18 different kinds of smiles – the most common is the smile of enjoyment.

2. Thirteen muscles are used to smile, but 47 are required for frowning.

3. You have to smile nearly a quarter of a million times to make one wrinkle.

4. You can stimulate your heart and lungs and improve breathing capacity by laughing.

5. Laughing one hundred times a day is equal to ten minutes of rowing.

6. Fifteen minutes of laughter equals the benefit of two hours sleep.

7. One good belly laugh burns off three and a half calories.

8. Laughter causes endorphins to be released, similar to a joggers’ 'high'.

9. Laughter releases feelings of anger, fear, guilt, anxiety and tension.

10. Laughter is contagious.

Two additional fun facts – my favorites – are 1) the average adult laughs 15 times a day and 2) children laugh about 400 times a day. I think I’ll follow the example the kids are setting for us.

In the case of the Waffle Wedded Wife video, there is a moral to the story: when you make a mistake, acknowledge it and move on. Everything will turn out fine.


Your turn: What gets you to giggle?


I recently read a wedding speech book that promised readers how to get laughs, but in my humble opinion, it was geared more for roasting the couple than toasting newlyweds.

Wedding toasts should be positive as this is a new life for the couple. Remarks can still be funny. Read my opinion about Tasteful Wedding One-Liners.

Here are a dozen of my favorite one-liners for lovers – perfect for weddings, anniversaries or other romantic celebrations:

1. Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke. ~ Lynda Barry

2. Love is a game that two can play and both win. ~ Eva Gabor

3. Love means nothing in tennis, but it's everything in life.

4. Love must be as much a light, as it is a flame. ~ Henry David Thoreau

5. You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving.

6. We’re here to celebrate the love match, pure and simple:
    Barbara is pure and Michael is…a very nice guy.

7. Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart.

8. Love is not singular except in syllable. ~ Marvin Taylor

9. The first time he saw her swimming in the sea he thought she was worth wading for.

10. Live each day as if it were your last, and each night as if it were your first.

11. Love one another and you will be happy; it's as simple and as difficult as that.

12. If you’re smart, you’ll always have the last word; if you’re wise you won’t use it.

 

Bonus – brief marriage jokes:

If love is blind and marriage is an institution, then marriage is an institution for the blind. Which leads me to my next question, if love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?


Your turn: What’s your favorite one-liner for lovers?

 

Tasteful Toasts Wedding One Liners

Remember the two golden rules to pack a loving punch.

 

Adding humor to a wedding or anniversary party is always welcome, but it requires that you follow the two golden rules: tell good cleanjokes and jest in favor of marriage. This can be a tall order because most wedding wisecracks are far from wise. Even the great comedic legend Milton Berle said, “Marriage is a great institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” Below are my top ten picks of tasteful wedding one-liners that can be personalize by replacing bride, groom, husband or wife with the actual people’s names.


1. A good wife will always forgive her husband when she's wrong.

2. A husband is not a yes-man; when his wife says no, he says no.

3. Why did the groom cross the road? Because his wife was on the other side.

4. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

5. The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest that perhaps he’s too old to do it.

6. Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

7. Marriages are made in heaven, but the details are worked out on earth.

8. Single people are looking for a prize; married people find a reward.

9. To error is to be single, to get married is divine.

10. “Husband and wife” is an anagram for “Fun was had in bed.”


Even these top ten one-liners can pack a punch depending on the size, age and culture of your of your audience. Use your best judgment. If you’re still in doubt then leave it out. Go toward the white wedding light and you’ll always be right.


Bonus – a brief marriage joke:


A man walks up to a gorgeous woman in a large grocery store and says, “Excuse me but, I’ve lost my wife somewhere here in the market, could you talk to me for a few minutes?” “Why?” she asks. “Well, whenever I talk to beautiful woman my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere.”


Your turn - share your favorite tasteful wedding one-liner, today! 

 

Tell a dirty joke and get mud in your eye!

It’s easy to tell an off-color joke, but it’s just as easy to deliver a clean joke. And the perils of using naughty words are many: offend a guest, alienate an audience or damage your credibility jeopardizing future bookings. Only a handful of professional comedians like Bobby Slayton, often referred to as "The Pitbull of Comedy,” and “Mr. Hockey Puck,” Don Rickles, have found a successful negative niche, publicly bashing anyone and everyone to get a laugh. For the rest of us, clean and clever humor will please the crowd.

Right Time, Right Place
It’s important to tailor your type of humor for your audience. I once was hired to perform a private magic show at a bachelor party. After my first trick, one of the guys asked me if I knew any dirty jokes. “You mean one liners like: football players need to be naked to count to 21?” When the jocks in the room laughed I forged on “What did the elephant ask the naked man?” Pause. Wait. “You breathe through that?” It got worse – er, better and continued down the dirty path for another hour. As fun as that was, there hasn’t been another venue during the past 30 years to use a similar string of jokes in my shows and presentations.

Business meetings, lectures and seminars require more highbrow humor than typical the bathroom strain. Clever comments on the edge of truth have a stronger bite and can be used any time, for example, "Never call a meeting before noon without donuts or all order will be lost."

Remember, humor is subjective. What one person finds hysterical another may not. It depends upon their perspective, as with the joke: “This little computer will do half your job for you,” said the sales clerk. The senior VP studying the machine nodded decisively, “Fine, I’ll take two.” Most upper management will politely smile and accept the good-natured ribbing causing all worker-bees to chortle.

Countdown
When God gave Moses the Ten Commandments, the class clown, hiding behind the burning bush, saw an opportunity. Since then the Top Ten List has remained a solid routine which can be applied to any subject.

Top 10 signs your company is going to downsize:

10. Company softball team is converted to a bridge club.
9. Dr. Kevorkian is hired as an “Outplacement Coordinator.”
8. Employees become super friendly with the dorky director of human resources.
7. The coffee machine is removed from the break room.
6. Corporate headquarters begins a weekly bake sale.
5. Senior management starts carpooling…together.
4. Annual holiday party moves from the Ritz Carlton to Chucky Cheese.
3. Computers are being replaced with Commodore 64s.
2. Medical plan now consists of directions to the free clinic.
And the number one sign your company is going to downsize is…
1. The CEO installs a dartboard labeled with existing department names.

Clean is Supreme
Blue Collar Tour jokester Jeff Foxworthy, the originator of “You might be a Redneck if…” holds the current title, “The King of Clean.” Successful comedians like Bill Cosby, Ellen DeGeneres, Jerry Seinfeld and Billy Crystal all have held comedic crowns for their wit. These comedians, including the legendary Phyllis Diller, Milton Berle and Henny Youngman all have/had joke files filled with good clean humor because they know that sanitary comedy is timeless.

Focus on levity with longevity and start your clean humor file today.

Clown Fish Michael Varma

Q: How does a clown fish get its stripes?
A: It spends time in jail.

Q: Why don’t sharks eat clownfish?
A: Because they taste funny.

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